Bible Voodoo

Recipe for biblical curse

1. Holy Water
2. Dirt from Temple floor
3. Biblical ink, charcoal powder mixed with gum

In a sacred clay jar mix holy water with dirt. Write curse on scroll with biblical ink. Rinse scroll in the bowl until the curse has been washed off. Serve cold.

Serves 1 suspected adulterous woman

If a man suspects his wife has been unfaithful, he can take her and some barley flour to a priest. The priest takes the woman before the Lord, mixes holy water with dirt from the temple floor. This is the bitter water which brings a curse (booga-booga). After letting her hair down (isn't that sexual?), he puts a small part of the grain offering in her hand (keeps the rest for himself, payment for the curse). While holding the bitter water, he pronounces the curse. "When you drink this if you are innocent may no harm come to you. However if you are guilty, may your thighs waste away and your belly swell (an alternate translation says may you have a barren womb or a miscarrying womb) . boooga-booga.". She has to consent to it with an Amen.

Then the priest is to write down this curse on a scroll and wash it with the bitter water so it mixes in. He gives it to the woman to drink. It says it will cause bitter suffering regardless. The ingredients sounds pretty nasty and quite unsanitary. While she is experiencing this unpleasantry, the priest takes the grain she has been holding and waves it before the Lord (booga-booga). He then burns another small part of the grain before the Lord. There may be a second incident of having her drink the bitter water again or the bible is doing that redundant repeating thing. Who knows.

But you can imagine the whole state of affairs (pun intended) here. How stressed out the woman will be regardless of innocence. She is being publicly humiliated. Some husbands are real dicks. It really is about him and not her. But she is certainly sweating bullets under God's curse. You know afterwards everyone will be watching her like a hawk. They will be looking for any evidence of the curse. Depending upon the translation they will watch if her belly is swelling or if she has a miscarriage or cannot get pregnant. Do you think she wants to sleep with her bastard husband? However, she really would want to get pregnant to avoid shame. If her belly grows which happens in pregnancy how could they tell the difference between the two curses. Anyway, if they think the curse has come true you know the next step, stone her. So vile, so primitive. No wait it is the word of the almighty, all-perfect God. Booga, booga.

Funny there is no such curse for a jealous wife. Oh, that's right women are property.

Numbers 5:11-29

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him by sleeping with another man, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure— then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.

“‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the LORD. Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. After the priest has had the woman stand before the LORD, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has slept with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have defiled yourself by sleeping with a man other than your husband”— here the priest is to put the woman under this curse of the oath—“may the LORD cause your people to curse and denounce you when he causes your thigh to waste away and your abdomen to swell.** May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells and your thigh wastes away.**”

“‘Then the woman is to say, “Amen. So be it.”

“‘The priest is to write these curses on a scroll and then wash them off into the bitter water. He shall have the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water will enter her and cause bitter suffering. The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the LORD and bring it to the altar. The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial offering and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. If she has defiled herself and been unfaithful to her husband, then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her and cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away,** and she will become accursed among her people. If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children.

“‘This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray and defiles herself while married to her husband, or when feelings of jealousy come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the LORD and is to apply this entire law to her. The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences of her sin.’”